Is What You’ve Been Told About Self-Love Actually Holding You Back?

In my last post, I shared how I spent years avoiding my own reflection—believing I wasn’t “ready” to be in the picture. That experience made me realize that many of us hold onto beliefs about self-love that aren’t just unhelpful, they’re actually harmful.

Maybe you’ve heard them too. Maybe you’ve even believed them.

👉 That self-love means always feeling good about yourself.
👉 That self-love is just affirmations and bubble baths.
👉 That you have to “fix” yourself before you deserve love.

These myths are everywhere. And for many women—especially empty nest moms who’ve spent years prioritizing others—these false ideas create guilt, pressure, and an impossible standard to live up to.

But real self-love isn’t what we’ve been told. It’s not about chasing perfection or waiting for the right moment. It’s about accepting yourself—right now, as you are.

So, let’s break down the biggest myths about self-love and uncover the truth about what it actually looks like in real life.

The Myths of Self-Love (And Why They Don’t Work)

Myth #1: Self-Love Means Always Feeling Good About Yourself

Self-love gets marketed like some magical feeling—one that wraps around you like a warm hug and makes you glow with confidence 24/7. The idea is simple: if you truly love yourself, you should wake up every day feeling worthy, secure, and unstoppable. Sounds great, right? Except that’s not how real life works.

Nobody, no matter how enlightened or self-aware, feels good about themselves all the time. You can love yourself and still have days when you doubt your choices, second-guess your worth, or feel like a total mess. That’s part of being human.

The problem with this myth? It sets an impossible standard. If you think self-love means always feeling great, then every time you don’t, it feels like failure. And what happens then? You beat yourself up for not being “self-loving enough.”

Real self-love isn’t about constant positivity. It’s about giving yourself permission to feel it all—the good, the bad, and the ugly—without attaching shame to it. Because true self-acceptance isn’t about feeling worthy every second; it’s about knowing you are, even when you don’t.

Myth #2: Self-Love Is About Daily Affirmations & Self-Care Rituals

Look, there’s nothing wrong with a good affirmation. And who doesn’t love a long, hot bath? But the idea that self-love is just a checklist of feel-good activities? That’s where things go sideways.

You can repeat “I am enough” in the mirror every morning, but if deep down you don’t believe it, those words will feel hollow. You can do face masks and apply makeup, but if you’re still drowning in self-doubt, no amount of skincare will fix that.

The real issue? These things are often just surface-level distractions. They look like self-love, but they don’t actually deal with the stuff lurking underneath—old wounds, deep insecurities, or the nagging belief that you’re only valuable when you’re productive or needed by others.

Self-care can be a piece of the puzzle, but it’s not the whole picture. True self-love isn’t found in a routine—it’s built through deep, honest work. It’s about unlearning harmful beliefs, setting boundaries, and treating yourself with the same kindness you’d give a friend.

Because at the end of the day, self-love isn’t a product you buy or a habit you master. It’s a relationship—one that takes time, patience, and a whole lot of grace.

Myth #3: You Have to “Fix” Yourself to Deserve Love

Maybe you’ve thought this before: I’ll love myself when I lose the weight. When I’m more disciplined. When I finally have my life together.

It sounds logical. After all, shouldn’t love be earned? Shouldn’t you wait until you’re the best version of yourself before you start embracing who you are?

Here’s the problem—this mindset keeps moving the goalpost. Every time you hit a milestone, a new “flaw” pops up. You’ll always find something else to fix, tweak, or improve. And that means self-love stays just out of reach.

But what if you didn’t have to earn it? What if love wasn’t some prize waiting at the finish line but something you could give yourself right now—before the weight loss, before the big achievement, before everything feels perfect?

Because here’s the truth: You don’t need to be “better” to be worthy of love. You just need to be human. And that? That’s already enough.

So if self-love isn’t about always feeling good, checking off self-care rituals, or waiting until you’re ‘fixed’—then what is it really about? That’s where radical self-acceptance comes in.

Forget Everything You’ve Heard—THIS Is What Self-Love Really Looks Like

What Is Radical Self-Acceptance?

If traditional self-love is about trying to feel good about yourself all the time, radical self-acceptance flips the script. Instead of forcing yourself to love every part of you, you accept all of it—even the messy, imperfect, complicated stuff.

It’s standing in front of the mirror and saying, “Yep, I’ve got flaws. I’ve got doubts. I’ve got baggage. And I’m still worthy.”

It’s recognizing that you don’t have to like everything about yourself to respect and care for yourself.

It’s understanding that growth and love aren’t opposites—you can embrace who you are now while still evolving into who you want to be.

And most importantly? It’s about dropping the exhausting fight to be “good enough” and realizing you already are.

Why Putting Yourself First Isn’t Selfish—It’s Necessary

You’ve spent years caring for others, making sure everyone else’s needs were met. And now, when you finally have time for yourself, that nagging voice in your head tells you it’s selfish. Sound familiar?

Maybe you think, I should be doing something productive. I should be helping someone else. I should have figured all this out by now. If that’s you, let’s get one thing straight—taking time for yourself isn’t selfish. It’s survival.

Loving yourself doesn’t mean you stop caring for others. It means you stop abandoning yourself in the process. And the more you accept yourself—fully, unapologetically—the more you show up for the people you love from a place of strength, not depletion.

You don’t have to earn rest. You don’t have to justify joy. You don’t have to wait for some future version of yourself to start embracing who you are right now.

So take the nap. Say no without explaining. Do something just because it makes you happy. Love yourself—not because you’ve checked all the boxes, but because you are you, and that’s reason enough.

This isn’t just about self-love. It’s about self-freedom. And you, my friend, have more than earned it.

Self-love isn’t about chasing perfection, fixing yourself, or following a set of rules. It’s about accepting who you are—right now—and treating yourself with the same kindness and respect you offer to others.

But if self-love isn’t just about self-care routines or always feeling good, then what is it, really? What does science say about it?

In the next post, we’ll dive into The Science of Self-Love—exploring what psychology and neuroscience reveal about self-worth, self-compassion, and how our brains are actually wired for self-love (even if it doesn’t always feel that way).

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